hello i’d like to take a second of your time to say something super important. like holy shit this is actually important ok? sit down, gather round while i take a knee and stroke my beard a bit before telling you how awesome this stuff is.
martinelli’s apple juice is actually the best apple juice in the world. when i was little i called it hotel apple juice because it’s what they serve at fucking 5 star hotels. 5 star hotels ok? this shit is perfection
it’s like 200 angels are dancing on my tongue when i drink this liquid goddamn fucking GOLD. it is my highlight of the day. had a bad day at school? martinelli’s apple juice. got a divorce? martinelli’s apple juice. LOST YOUR TOE? martinelli’s apple juice! this stuff is made from goddamn heaven and even if you aren’t religious it’s like…heaven ok? honestly. I just.
i’m going to serve martinelli’s apple juice at my wedding. it will be the main drink. fuck wine, this stuff is where it’s at.